A fear of intimacy can negatively affect your ability to form close and loving relationships. It is commonly caused by a past traumatic experience and often can be traced back to childhood. If you feel like you may be living with a fear of intimacy, there are ways to address and overcome it. Working with a psychologist and recognising your own fears is the first step to forming happier close bonds.
What Are The Types Of Intimacy?
Intimacy can take many forms, and within an intimate relationship there will typically be different types of intimacy displayed by both partners.
Physical intimacy involves physical touching and closeness. This includes sex, but can also involve kissing, hugging, or even just lightly touching a person’s arm. Physical intimacy is important to most romantic partners, and can also be a part of some friendships.
Emotional intimacy focuses more on the emotional side of a relationship. This is shown when you share secrets and dreams, knowing that you will be loved and accepted by your partner. In emotionally intimate relationships, there is no fear of judgement or ridicule. Partners offer comfort and empathy to each other in a caring way.
Intellectual intimacy is a more values and decisions-based type of intimacy, which is demonstrated when you and your partner can make important life choices together. You will feel like you’re on the same page about things like having children or buying a home. Couples with intellectual intimacy respect each other’s intelligence and share ideas openly.
Experiential intimacy is based on shared experiences. Going through the same thing – whether it be a life-changing trip abroad or a challenging experience – can strength the bond between two people and develop mutual understanding and acceptance.
What Causes A Fear Of Intimacy?
There are normally a number of factors at play when someone experiences a fear of intimacy. Typically, it will be caused by past experiences, and these are often linked to childhood.
People who have previously been in a close relationship that went badly can develop a fear of intimacy as a result. Because they felt betrayed or disappointed by their previous partner, they are reluctant to develop those close bonds with another person. They may fear rejection and abandonment.
Some people have an attachment style that contributes to a fear of intimacy, such as a dismissive avoidant attachment style or a fearful avoidant attachment style. Both of these result in people wanting to remain highly independent and not rely on others.
Finally, abuse – especially childhood abuse – can cause a fear of intimacy later in life. This abuse can range from neglect and verbal abuse to physical or sexual abuse. It may affect a person’s ability to connect with people in specific ways (for example, survivors of sexual abuse often struggle to be physically intimate) or it could stop a person from developing any sort of close bond.
Finally, abuse – especially childhood abuse – can cause a fear of intimacy later in life. This abuse can range from neglect and verbal abuse to physical or sexual abuse. It may affect a person’s ability to connect with people in specific ways (for example, survivors of sexual abuse often struggle to be physically intimate) or it could stop a person from developing any sort of close bond.
What Does A Fear Of Intimacy Look Like?
People with a fear of intimacy can often come across as cold and detached. They will have trouble forming relationships and they will be reluctant or unable to express emotions. Often, these people have low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and are prone to angry outbursts. Some people with a fear of intimacy will avoid all physical touch, while others may have a strong sexual drive without any desire for emotional closeness.
How Can A Fear Of Intimacy Impact Your Relationships?
Fearing intimacy makes it very difficult to form close and lasting relationships. Romantic relationships are the most affected, as these are built on a foundation of trust, compassion and loving touch.
People intimacy issues may avoid relationships, or they may purposely sabotage relationships by being unkind to their partner. This can result in social isolation and depression.
How Can You Overcome A Fear Of Intimacy?
The first step to overcoming any psychological issue such as a fearing intimacy is to recognise the problem. Thinking about your patterns in relationships and the possible causes of these is a good place to start.
The second thing to do is seek professional help. Dealing with these problems alone can be very difficult and isolating. An experienced counsellor can assist to work through past traumas and offer a compassionate ear.
To overcome a fear of intimacy, you must start by loving and valuing yourself. When you recognise that you are – or could be – a good romantic partner, your fears of rejection and abandonment can start to subside.
Always be open and communicate with any new potential partners. Setting clear personal boundaries and taking things slowly is a good idea as you ease into a more intimate relationship. It will take some time and plenty of honest discussions, but it can be achieved.
What Do I Do If My Partner Has A Fear Of Intimacy?
If your partner is afraid of intimacy and is pushing you away, be kind and patient with them. Always be open to communicating and discussing what they are concerned about. Remember it is not a personal reflection on you; more likely, it is rooted in past traumatic experiences. Couples and/or individual counselling can help at these times.
